To really understand start by reading this: News Article
I dreamt about craig last night, for probably the 3rd time since he died. It makes my heart ache to see him again, holding onto the image of him in my dream for a long as I can. After the pain of his death subsided enou gh for me to move back home and into my old room, I spent most nights wishing I could see his ghost. Just to see his face one last time, to see that cheeky smile I loved so much. Feel his energy. Laugh at his crazy personality.
The fact that I’ll never see his face again has never quite sunk in, I don’t think I’ve every really mourned for him probably. I don’t even remember the day I blocked out that emotion, the day I decided not to feel anymore. At the time it was the only way I could breath. Eveny memory still brings me pain; Listening to Eminem brings back every day we spent together, sharing headphones on the bus on our way to college. Every Carlsberg beer reminds me how easily he got drunk because of his epilepsy medication and every hanging on TV brings back made up images of him hanging there. It’s been over 6 years but every memory still feels so raw to me that on days like to today I still find it hard to breath. To face the world without my best friend and remember that he really is gone
I just want to hug him, just one last time and know that he doesn’t blame me. Nothing prepares you for the pain of loosing someone in that way, to be blamed for their death. No amount of people telling you, it’s not your fault makes you feel better. On days like this it’s impossible not feel the weight on your shoulders. Even if my new found self awareness tells me that’s life is just challenging me again, it doesn’t help the pain of loosing him. The pain of being called a murderer.
So today I’ll let myself mourn. Just for a little while at least.
Note. This is the first time I’ve ever seen a picture of his gravestone. I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral.